|Quotes & Quips for Your Enjoyment
Logic may or may not be present, but humor and enjoyment is!
Preacher CandidatesThe following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for preaching.
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his
wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former preacher of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our preacher's house would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving preacher but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some Bible school training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people-might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date. (Side note: Ancient Jewish tradition has it that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
Put treasures, etc. in for future to
tell about the past.
What do we put in our children?
Proverbs for Living Top
He who claims to be a self-made man
has relieved God of
an embarrassing responsibility..
Pride ends in a fall, while humility brings honor. Proverbs 29:23
He who walks with God always gets to
The path of the godly leads away from evil; he who follows that path is safe. Proverbs 16:17
Correction does much, but
encouragement does more. Encouragement
after censure is as the sun after a shower. Goethe
My purpose is that they may be encouraged in the heart and united in love....in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ. Colossians 2:2
He who takes cares to bed will sleep
with a pack on his
Commit your work to the Lord, then it will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
He who talks without thinking runs
more risks than he
who thinks without talking.
Evil words destroy. Godly skill rebuilds. Proverbs 11:9
I don't believe God wants our summer to be less than fulfilling and refreshing in its variety of experiences. But I do believe He wants us all to grow up and go forward, not accepting the slothful mode of passive, slack-to-duty attitude a usual summertime mentality can engender.
He who drives too fast into the next
county may wind up
in the next world.
The man who strays away from common sense will end up dead! Proverbs 21:16
Eating beyond your seams... Top He who overeats may live beyond his seams..........
O my son, be wise today and stay in
God's paths; don't
drunkards and gluttons, for they are on their way to poverty.
The hero is one who kindles a great
light in the world,
who sets up blazing torches in the dark street of life for men to see by.
The saint is the man who walks through the dark paths of the world,
himself a light.
O Lord, you are my light!
You make my darkness bright.
2 Samuel 22:29
He who rolls ups his sleeves seldom loses his shirt...................
Hard work means prosperity; only a
fool idles away his time.
He who growls all day lives a dog's life..........
Gentle words causes life and health;
griping brings discouragement.
You never enjoy the world aright, till the Sea itself floweth in your veins, till you are clothed with the heavens, and crowned with the stars: and perceive yourself to be the sole heir of the whole world, and more than so, because men are in it who are every one sole heirs as well as you. Till you can sing and rejoice and delight in God, as misers do in gold, and Kings in sceptres, you never enjoy the world.
The Top Ten Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure from Any University.
10. His office hours were irregular
and sometimes held
on a mountaintop.
9. He expelled His first two students.
8. Some say He had His Son teach His classes.
7. He rarely came to class and just told students "Read the Book."
6. When one experiement went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
5. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
4. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
3. He may have created the world, but what has He done since?
2. Although there were only 10 requirements, His students failed.
1. He had only one major publication; it was in Hebrew; it had no references; it wasn't published in a reference journal; and some doubted He wrote it Himself.
It is no small scandel in heaven to see God's people starving while seated at the table. A.W. Tozer
If words don't mean what they say, then they don't mean anything at all! Ken Ham
Words do make a difference, words are important!
All that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing! Edmund Burk
The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Lilly Tomlin
Nine P's: Proclaim God, Pray First, Praise Together, Be Purpose-filled, Be Pro-active, Be Painfully Real, Pursue Excellence, Be Purely Pleased, Be Present Focused.Mike Cassara
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at the Creation Science Fellowship. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impeded every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less that one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is know to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising.
Win $1 a year for 20 billion years!
Missing tickets get a bonus award, if they are ever found!
Winners will be notified after
certification of ancestry.
Prizes forfeited if you believe or enter in any other origins lottery.
Probability of winning isless than one atom in all the atoms in the
Joke: Have you heard about the new Evolutionary Computer?
You just put all the parts in a bag and shake until done!
Since the professors at American universities have been "empowered", they have revised their grading procedures. This loosely corresponds to the current method of grading in todays elementary schools in that they make no sense either.
|DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
|DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind.
|DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
|DEPT OF RELIGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
|DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
- Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A.
|DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
|DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
|DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
|DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400, carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day.
What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!
Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running. Make the most
"Seize the day !"
So, you see, time is important,
make the most of it...after
all, life is either a daring adventure or nothing! - make every second
of your life a daring adventure.. I think the following poem sums it up
EVERY MOMENT IS PRECIOUS Top
To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer who has ten kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you
"The Soul of Science" by Nancy R. Pearcey and Charles B. Thaxton, 1994,Crossway Books Top
BEGIN QUOTE, P. 245
... The existance of informational molecules has become the basis for a new version of the age-old design argument.
Critics often dismiss appeals to design as merely a temporary measure to bridge current ignorance, to fill gaps in scientific knowledge. In earlier centuries, that may well have been the case at times - for example, when lightning or disease was attributed to direct divine action. Later, when natural causes were discovered for these phenomena, it may have seemed that material causes would eventually be found for every phenomenon, filling in any remaining gaps in knowledge.
The contemporary design argument does not rest, however, on gaps in our knowledge but rather on the growth in our knowledge due to the revolution in molecular biology. Information theory has taught us that nature exhibits two types of order. The first type is produced by natural causes- shiny crystals, hexagonal patterns in oil, whirlpools in the bathtub. But the second type - the complex structure of the DNA molecule - is not produced by any natural processes known to experience.
Yet experience does offer another example of the second type of order, namely, the letter arrangements in a written message. In our experience, a written message is always the product of an intelligent agent; hence we can construct a positive argument that informational structures such as DNA are likewise the result of an intelligent agent.
This is an updated version of the design argument, and we get a hint of its power when we read Francis Crick's autobiography, "What Mad Pursuit." After surveying his role in the DNA revolution, Crick remarks, "Biologists must constantly keep in mind that what they see was not designed, but rather evolved." [p. 138] The words sound almost as though Crick has to persuade himself - against the most natural reading of the evidence - that life really is a result of natural causes alone. It's as though a geologist were to gaze on the four presidential faces carvedinto Mt. Rushmore and then to insist, despite the obvious marks of human workmanship, that the faces are the product of natural forces alone - of wind and water erosion. In DNA the marks of intelligent workmanship are equally evident.
Are You Qualified?
You know, what with the big fuss over the elections and the voters'ability to select political leaders, we're hearing an awful lot about a person's qualifications for a particular job, especially if it involves much responsibility.
So I thought I'd lighten it up a little bit today and give you a"management consultant's report". This was first printed in Spiritual Life Center Newsletter, LIFE ISSUES NO. 1416, and it obviously is a tongue-in-cheek thing. It's a memo.
To: Jesus, Son of Joseph,
Woodcrafter Carpenter Shop,
From: Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem, 26544.
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you've picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now been given a battery of tests. We've not only run the results of these tests through our computer but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultants.
The profiles of all the tests are included, and you'll want to study each one of them carefully. As part of our service and for your guidance, we make some general comments, much as an auditor will include some general statements. This is given as a result of staff consultation and comes without any additional charge.
It is the staff's opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualifications of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. And Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that could tend to undermine morale. We also feel that it's our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, son of Alpheaus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.
One of the candidates, however,
shows great potential.
He's a man of ability and resourcefulness. He meets people well, has a
businessmind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated,
and responsible. And so we are pleased to recommend Judas Iscariot as
controller and right-hand man. All the other profiles are
We wish you every success in your new venture.
Signed Jordan Management Consultants.
You know, maybe I speak for
myself, but perhaps for
some of you too. I don't always feel fully qualified to do the job I'm
Perhaps many of you, called upon to do things in the pro-life movement,
also say "Why me, Lord?" But I think each of us has to pray about
the doors that open to us, and if you're in a position where you can
yes and do something, please do it.
Pressed out of measure and pressed
to all length,
Pressed so intently, it seems beyond strength,
Pressed in the body, and pressed in the soul,
Pressed in the mind 'til the dark surges roll,
Pressure by foes, and a pressure by friends,
Pressure on pressure 'til life nearly ends.
Pressed into knowing no helper but
Pressed into loving the staff and the rod,
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings,
Pressed into faith for the impossible things,
Pressed into living a life in the Lord,
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured.
Proverbs to Consider Top
He who lives only for himself runs a very small business............
It is possible to give away and
become richer! It is also
possible to hold on too tightly and lose everything. Yes, the liberal
shall be rich! By watering others, he waters himself.
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